I gave a slight wave to one of the staff who managed to catch me in the midst of carry heavy props around the filming ground.

I would be glad to help him with it but manager hyung would have reprimanded me again for being reckless. Sometimes I would argue with him. I’m not a princess, I can afford to do certain things on my own, I don’t need to be fully dependent on others. It would seem as if I’m useless.

Yet manager hyung kept to his stand. Even if I could afford to get hurt, he couldn’t. His job could not allow him to be lenient. I pitied him, more than I sympathized with myself. If anyone of us gets hurt, he would be the first rushing to help, clear up the mess, only to receive yet another warning from the head office. His job’s definitely worse than ours.

Yet he has something that all of us wish to possess. Freedom.

Buddies often laugh at me when I tell them I envy their lives.

You have everything Jaejoong.
You have a perfect face, a perfect body, a perfect life. What else do you need?
Do you know how many people in this world yearn to lead a life like yours? You’re greedy, Jae.
Let’s exchange then! You’d be me and I shall be Kim Jae Joong! Wahahaha…

They won’t understand. I can’t deny I like what I am doing right now. Few years ago before debut with the other Dong Bang Shin Ki members I was sitting in the training room dreaming of becoming a popular celebrity. Now the dream has come true, after so many years of hard work. They think I should be satisfied. I should be, shouldn’t I?

No. Men are greedy. I’m just like any other average person. I have my own thoughts, my own problems, my own desires. Only that these things are never broadcasted on TV, the manager and agency will not allow. I won’t allow. I can’t.

I can’t even do that off-screen because there will always be reporters or stalkers lurking around places we go to. I can’t do that because I would be deemed as someone not fit to be an idol. I can’t do that because I can’t let anyone know something that scares myself when I think of it.

.

“Yah Jaejoong! You’re here!” The director spotted me and came over, draping his arms over my shoulders. I had to crouch slightly for him to reach me easily as he was not exactly very tall. I didn’t mind it anyway. He was a great senior to have.

He pushed me down to a chair beside his and started explaining to me the different angles he was going to take. He’s known to be a friendly director who loves to describe to others his plans and his views on different scenes. I could only smile and nod my head in response. He probably hadn’t realized that I’m not exactly a professional in film making.

However, I could understand why he wanted to tell me so much. I was just like him whenever I finished composing a song. It’s a mixture of happiness and accomplishment which propels me to share with others. It’s almost similar to a man who receives the news of his wife being pregnant and he can’t resist announcing to the whole world, if possible, that he’s going to be a father soon. Every song is my baby. Every film is director hyung’s baby. We may not major in the same area but we share the same passion for things we love.

.

I adjusted my glasses and continued listening to director hyung as he rambled on about how the soccer ball should fly from the left instead of the right for a better effect.

It was then when I saw Yunho flashing his polite smile at the female staff who passed him his bottle of mineral water. He’s always so nice and approachable, to everyone around him. He’s maintained such a flawless image anytime, anywhere. No wonder so many juniors admire him. Even I get jealous of him sometimes.

I drank the citrus tea served to me and continued observing the man. He had not noticed me yet. I was sitting too far from him. At the filming ground, he was the king. I’m merely one of the on-lookers.

He sat cross-legged with his red Bermudas pants and slippers, his eyes wandering aimlessly as he tilted his head slightly, seemingly taking a short break from his work. To others he’s resting but I knew he wasn’t. I know him very well. He’s not resting. He’s pondering about the next scene and what he should do to sharpen his acting skills. That’s Yunho, the leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki.

Everyone knows that a leader is what a group requires to stay united and organized. Someone who can cater to everyone’s needs and bring everyone together so that the group can go further and reach greater heights. Yunho has assumed this responsibility since 5 years ago and undoubtedly he does his job really well, earning respect from all of us. I don’t know who else would have done a better job than him but at least I know I won’t be able to.

.

Another staff advanced towards him, intending to do some touch ups on his face, for he had perspired too much under the scorching sun. Director hyung had left me to instruct his other actors on the coming scenes. I had the urge to stand up from the seat, walk over to him and wipe off his perspiration beads. However, before I could do that the assistants had blocked me from nearing him. The shooting was to start again. I could only stay behind and view him from the camera.

The show was pretty interesting with many eye candies and action scenes of Yunho hopping off the chair, the table, the ledge… Each jumping shot was faultless and Yunho didn’t seem to be tired of jumping up and down repeatedly. I could see that even the cameraman was drained due to long hours of holding on to the bulky equipment. How could Yunho not be weary?

.

I’m a superman. I’m strong. Don’t worry.

I remembered those words from his mouth when we sat by his bed, worried that the glue might affect his body in any way. It was obvious that energy drinks didn’t taste good with superglue. However, he refused to speak of his pain. I knew he was badly hurt, not because he took in the glue, but because the anti fan proved to him that there were really people who hated Dong Bang Shin Ki, the group he tried so hard to bring to the top.

Even superman falls sick, do you know that?

I wanted to tell him so. I wished I could pull him away from the filming location and carry him all the way back home and dump him onto the bed he hasn’t been sleeping on for several days due to the hectic schedule.

I hate to see him slogging his life not only for himself but for all his loved ones. I hate it when he claims to be fine when his sleepy eyes clearly give him away. I hate watching him smile faintly and act as if he’s not bothered by the ruckus we’ve caused ourselves.

If I were the manager, I wouldn’t have told him the drama opportunities available so that he would not be intrigued to take up the role.

If I were the director, I wouldn’t have asked him to do challenging actions that would only make him more worn-out.

I wouldn’t care that I’m selfish. Love is never selfless to start with.

If I were his girl, I would have embraced him tightly and remove all his pain with kisses. I would have done anything to heal his wounds.

But it’s impossible right, Yunho?

I can’t do any of that.

I am Kim Jae Joong, the member who stands in the middle in photo shoots. The man with angelic features and beautiful voice. Your hyung who can’t even reveal how he feels for you.

.

You love me.
I know.
Only as your DBSK member.
I love you.
But not only as a DBSK member.
Do you know?

You don’t. You never will. I won’t allow you to know. I can’t.

.

“Jaejoong ah!” He eventually ended his filming for the day. I looked up and saw the bright smile again.

I stretched my arms, tempted to take the lean body into my arms, only to pause and then finally landed over his shoulders. I bit my lips hard. We can only be brothers right?

“Yunho ah! You’ve worked hard!” You beamed at those simple words, like a kid gleeful at his father’s compliments. I could only chuckle in response. What else can I do anyway?

It’s better to keep it this way, isn’t it, Yunho?